Legs
by Kr1411
Summary: All he was was a pair of legs, right? Of course they wouldn't notice him leave. Cross posted from Ao3, TWs inside
1. Chapter 1

**For the record, I wrote this back in June, when I was just getting into this whole writing thing, so don't judge this.**

 **[TRIGGER WARNING] Self harm - cutting, burning. Attempted suicide. Suicidal thoughts.**

 **These warnings are for the whole story, but I will be sure to add the appropriate warning for each chapter. Alright, here we go!**

 **TW for this chapter - Cutting**

 **—**

Barry sat in the bathroom of the West house. While everyone else was at S.T.A.R. Labs, celebrating another victory, he decided that all that excitement was too much.

He left about 10 minutes ago, not even sure if anyone noticed. Of course they didn't. All he was to them was just another set of legs, except this set of legs could run at amazing speeds. That's all. They didn't need him for anything else.

Caitlin had Cisco, Iris had Joe and Wally, Barry had no one.

He looked at the razor blade in his hand. After a moment of contemplating doing it, he started taking the blade apart. He knew he shouldn't get back into old habits, but he has super-healing now. There will be no trace of what he did, right?

He pressed the blade against his skin, before digging it deep and cutting it across his skin. He forgot how good this felt. The pain, the feel of the cool razor on his arm. He let out an emotionless laugh as he made another cut. And another. And another.

Soon, his arm was a new shade of maroon, with cuts healing and blood drying. It looked nice to him. It reminded him he was human, not just legs. He could bleed, he could feel, he could do anything that Caitlin or Cisco could do, just faster.

He moved the blade to his right hand and started hacking away at his left hand, as he couldn't find anymore on his right. Joe would kill him if he found out what Barry was doing right now.

About 30 minutes of keeping the cuts from closing later, he finally heard the door open, and the laughter of Joe, Iris, and Wally walking through the door, like they never even noticed he was gone.

Tears were spilling from his eyes as he gave up on his arms and moved to his legs. After all, if they could have this much fun without him, he might as well destroy the one thing he is to them. His legs. Nothing else mattered, as long as his legs were fine, right? Well what if they weren't.

The pain from his legs felt even more relieving than his arms. He heard footsteps on the stairs.

"Shit," he mumbled to himself. He quickly cleaned everything up, bandaging his arms and legs, and changed into long sleeves and pants.

He managed to get in bed right before Joe opened the door. "Barr, you in here?" Barry didn't reply. He kept his back to Joe. "Alright, goodnight Barry," Joe said, closing the door.

" _If only he knew_ ," Barry thought to himself as he drifted to sleep.


	2. Chapter 2

**TW for this chapter - None**

The next day, Barry woke up to an empty house. Joe had to work, Iris was supposed to have the day off, like him (why wasn't she home?). Usually when they both have the day off, they would at least make plans to hang out for a few hours. Iris hadn't even reached out to him the previous day.

Barry made his way into the kitchen to find a note from Iris. " _Spending the day with Wally. Maybe next time - Iris_ " Of course it was Wally. It always was nowadays. Family dinners were always awkward for him, because he didn't get along with Wally like everyone else did. He just sat there, ate dinner, and tried not to be rude about the fact that no one acknowledges him at family dinners anymore.

Welp. That just meant he was going to spend the day at S.T.A.R. Labs then. All things considered he was probably going to try to keep Harry from killing Jay or everyone from killing Harry. Who knew, it could happen. When he got to S.T.A.R. Labs, however, everything was going perfectly fine. Caitlin was monitoring the crime going on in Central (or lack thereof), Cisco was working on something new (probably for Metahumans), Harry doing whatever it is Harry usually does, and Jay nowhere to be found. "Anything going on right now? Any crimes or...?" Barry asked. "Nope, the city is unusually quiet right now," Caitlin replied without looking up. "Great." Barry said before turning around, a feeling of sadness overwhelming him. " _No Hi Barry, Where were you last night? We missed you. Where'd you run off to, man_?" Nothing. He raced off, not knowing what to do. He could drop by work, see if there's anything he could do there, but he's positive they would've called in if they needed anything.

Before he knew it, he was at Jitters, going to pick up a coffee before heading back to Joe's. As he turned around to walk out the door, he was greeted with walking into Iris and Wally.

"Barry! Hi, I didn't expect to see you here!" Iris exclaimed. Barry raised an eyebrow. "What, I can't pick up a coffee before spending a day alone at home?" He asked, with only slight sarcasm.

Iris winced."Sorry, about not making plans with you, it's just I don't get to spend a lot of time with Wally and-"

"Hey, you're fine. Look, I'm gonna go, you guys can continue doing whatever you're doing." Barry turned to walk away when he heard Iris call, "Before you go home, can you pick up some spaghetti? I want to make Grandma Esther's noodle dish tonight."

Barry nodded his head before turning back and walking out the door, the sad, useless feeling from S.T.A.R. Labs returning. All he was useful for was his legs, after all. His legs helped him used his speed, the only reason anyone kept him around in the first place. He picked up the noodles before returning home and crying in his bed, just like he did as a teenager.m


	3. Chapter 3

**TW for this chapter - Self Harm (Cutting)**

Barry woke up (when did he fall asleep?) to laughter downstairs. He walked downstairs to Iris putting the finishing touches to Grandma Esther's noodle dish in the kitchen, with Wally and Joe at the table. Iris looked up to put away the seasoning to find Barry standing in the doorway.

"Barry! There you are, I was just about to go find you!" Iris exclaimed. Barry would've believed her if it weren't for the "Oh shit I forgot about you" expression and tone of voice she was hiding (and failing at).

"No, it's ok, I'm not even hungry right now," Barry said. Lie. He was very hungry, having slept through lunch. Iris gave him a pointed look. "Barry, you're a horrible liar. Sit down." She demanded. Although she just said he was a horrible liar because Wally didn't know the truth.

Barry shook her off. "I'm just going to go back to bed. Working tonight, remember?" He told her, knowing she'd know what he meant. Before she could reply, he ran (normal speed) upstairs. Rather than going to his bedroom, though, he went to the bathroom. He fished the razor blade that he hid rather than threw away last night (although he didn't know why he didn't just dispose of it) and cried. They didn't even want him at family dinner. _Cut_. Iris didn't even care about him anymore. _Cut_. The only person who hasn't completely forgotten his existence was Joe, and that's because of work.

At this point, his arm was just about as red as last night, relieving the wonderful sight of maroon covering his arm. He cursed his speed healing, something he never thought he'd do. He wanted to look at the scars, as though they were given to him by his only friend.

Meanwhile, downstairs at dinner, after Barry left, Iris placed the noodle dish on the table and sat down.

"I feel bad, like him not joining us is my fault," Iris said after a few minutes of silence.

"I think he's just being selfish," Wally started. "Most people would've understood that you forgot, or even was about to call them. Him going back upstairs and making you feel guilty was a dick move," he finished.

"Today was supposed to be our day together, and I blew him off with that, too." Iris put her head in her hands.

"Guys, Barry's probably just having an off day. He'll come back down eventually," Joe said, trying to stop his two kids from talking about his other one. He didn't fail to notice the sad look in Barry's eyes as he came upstairs, or his voice cracking as he told Iris he wasn't hungry. He knew after dinner he'd have to talk to Barry, see if everything's alright.

Which it wasn't. Barry was upstairs, trying not to pass out as he cleaned everything up. He made it to his room and shakily bandaged his arms and legs. He went too far. He managed to get a pair of sweatpants and a sweatshirt on before passing out, barely landing on the mattress, legs dangling off of it.

—

 **If anyone wants to PM to like, talk about anything, if you need help with things, feel free to PM me, whether it be serious or just wanting to talk :)**


	4. Chapter 4

**TW for the chapter: None.**

 **So, when I was writing this chapter, it occured to me that even with super healing, there should still be scars, since Barry heals just like us, just much faster. Logically, since we scar, he should too. We just heal much slower, that's why most people think Barry can't scar. But he still should. This will be important for later chapters.**

Joe ran upstairs to check on Barry. Barry seemed a little off when he came downstairs, after all. What he didn't expect though, was the small droplets of blood in the hallway. Or, he assumed it was blood. It was red, and smelled kind of metallic, and if the lights were off he wouldn't have seen it at all. Joe didn't know what to think of that as he went to Barry's room.

He went in Barry's room, not knowing what to expect. He wasn't surprised at Barry sleeping, though you would think he would've gotten all the way on his bed, not just his upper body. He was wearing completely different clothes than when he came downstairs. Or, a different sweatshirt and a different pair of pants. If it weren't late winter, he'd be concerned that Barry would get overheated.

"Barr?" He shook Barry, who didn't respond. He tried again. This time, Barry moved his head towards Joe.

His face was tear-streaked. Barry had been crying. Barry noticed that Joe noticed, and rubbed his eyes, hoping to get rid of any evidence that he'd been crying.

"You ok Barr?" Barry nodded his head, though it was obvious he was lying.

"Come with me." Joe wrapped his arm around Barry, who subtly tugged his sleeves down as he got up. They walked downstairs, Joe telling Iris and Wally that they'd be right back.

The two walked all the way to Big Belly Burger, not saying a word. Barry needed some silent comforting, and it was painfully obvious with what he saw at dinner.

They got a booth and sat down. "Talk to me Barr. What's wrong?" Joe asked. He had a gut instinct that it was more than Iris forgetting about him at dinner, and when it came to his kids, his gut was never wrong.

"Nothing, I'm fine," Barry said, eyes on the table.

"Barry, I've been a cop for over 20 years, you think I can't tell when you're lying? Something's up Barr, and I need you to tell me what."

It was clear to Barry that Joe wasn't taking no for an answer, but he didn't know how to say anything. He knew Joe meant well when it came to Wally, and he was busy at work most of the time, but with Iris cancelling everything, and Team Flash ignoring him, not noticing his presence when he was there. He could just tell Joe that, it would kill him to hear that it was mostly everyone ignoring him for Wally.

"I just... kinda feel out of place, you know?" He said. "With team Flash I mean." Joe raised an eyebrow.

"Like when I'm there, no one acknowledges my presence, and I come home to being forgotten, it just makes me feel like I don't matter," he said. He didn't mention Wally, so he felt good about not hurting Joe's feelings.

Or so he thought.

"There's more. It's about Wally, isn't it?" Joe asked.

Well shit.

"Joe, ever since Christmas, Iris has been blowing me off to be with Wally, when we're not at work, you're with him or trying to tell me about him, and I feel like he can't stand me. I feel like he thinks the family would be better without me, and I'm starting to think that he might not be such a bad idea." God, it felt so good to get that off.

"Barry look at me. You will always be a part of this family, and I don't care what Wally thinks. He's just going to have to deal with it, because you are as much of a son to me as he is, blood be damned, and don't you ever think otherwise." Joe said firmly. "Now, I can talk to Iris-"

"No Joe, I'll do that, when I'm ready." Barry said.

They got their food and ate, and Joe didn't fail to notice the bandages that showed when Barry reached up to put a burger in his mouth. He'd have to ask about that later, but now didn't seem like an appropriate time. Instead, they just enjoyed each other's company, and Joe was just glad Barry felt comfortable enough to open up to him.


	5. Chapter 5

**TW for this chapter: Self Harm (cutting)**

The next day, after Barry woke up, he was feeling somewhat better, knowing Joe still cared.

He felt like he could take on the world. When he got the call for the robbery on 5th and 3rd, he was ready to go stop it. He would make everyone proud.

But when the arrow came and stopped the robber, those feelings shattered. When Barry returned the diamonds that were being stolen, he thought, " _I can't even work alone anymore."_

Oliver left to go meet up with Felicity without saying a single word to the broken hero. With that, Barry raced off to S.T.A.R. Labs. There, he found Cisco, Caitlin, and Felicity.

Barry pointed at Felicity. "How long has Team Arrow been here...?" He asked.

"They got here shortly after you left last night," Cisco told him.

"And no one felt the need to tell me this?" He demanded.

"I thought she would call you," Cisco quickly said, pointing at Felicity.

"Hey, you _told_ me you would," Felicity retorted.

"Oh yeahhhhh," Cisco remembered.

Barry didn't pay attention to that though. All he could think was, "the only reason Team Arrow is here is because I'm not good enough. Not fast enough. I'm useless."

He felt useless. Barry faked a smile for them. "Hey, it's ok," he said, to stop the arguing. "I'm gonna go have lunch, I'm starving."

Before anyone could ask to go with him, he was gone.

Barry didn't go get lunch, though. Instead, he ran to the rooftop of Jitters. Where he stood the first time Iris met "the Streak". Not where the doorway led to, he couldn't bear to get caught up there. People would ask questions.

He sat down and looked into the distance. Without thinking, he reached to his wrists, and undid the bandages. He looked down, expecting to see clear wrists, but instead, he just saw clean, white lines.

" _What the hell?_ " He thought to himself. He shouldn't be scarring.

Wait.

He only healed faster. That didn't mean he couldn't scar.

Barry wanted to hit himself. Of course. He was such an idiot.

" _That's why you have no friends."_

Barry put his head in his knees, allowing his tears to fall freely.

The inner voice told him that he needs to cut his wrists. He had this overwhelming urge to, but he literally did that less than 24 hours ago. He didn't want to seem addicted.

But oh, it felt _so_ good.

Barry stayed on the roof for 20 more minutes before heading home. It was Saturday, he had no work.

He came to a stop to the front door before opening it to Iris and Wally conversing in front of the T.V. with lunch in their hands.

"Barry! Chow Mein?" Iris offered, but Barry shook his head. He wasn't hungry. He wanted to scream, he wanted to cry until he had no more tears to do so, but he couldn't.

Not with people downstairs.

Barry made his way up to the bathroom, which was slowly becoming a second home to him, this time, stealthily grabbing a knife from the kitchen before he did. The razor-blade was too small, and starting to become dull.

He closed the bathroom door, and looked at himself in the mirror.

 _Ugly.  
_

 _Worthless._

 _You don't deserve friends._

Barry slammed his fist on the sink, the knife falling out of his hand and clattering to the floor. He went to go pick it up. He ripped his shirt off and looked at his wrists.

More specifically, he looked at the scars in awe. He was actually glad they didn't heal. They looked back at Barry, as to show that he wasn't completely empty. That he could still feel full, and with the knife he was bearing in his hand right then.

He put the knife to his wrist.

Team Flash didn't need him.

Iris only needed Wally.

He was just a hero-wannabe. Even Oliver thought that.

He made a cut for each of these reasons, and more. The blood started pooling out of his skin, and like always, it fascinated him.

After about 5 minutes of this, there was a knock on the door.

"You almost done in there man?" It was Wally.

Shit, shit, _shit_.

Barry quickly cleaned and bandaged everything up, till everything looked like it should've. He flushed the toilet and turned the faucet off from rinsing the blood off earlier.

" _Why didn't you flush FIRST, you idiot? Now he's either gonna think something's up, or think you're more retarded than he already thinks you are,_ " the voice told him.

Barry opened the door and walked out, allowing Wally to go in.

"You do know that there's a bathroom downstairs, right?" He asked.

"Iris is using it. And this isn't your bathroom, Barry. It's free to all of us," Wally scoffed in return.

Barry didn't say anything. He felt a vibration in his pocket, meaning he got a text.

" _Meet at Big Belly Burger in 5 minutes."_ It was from Oliver.

He was probably going to tell Barry everything he screwed up on, make him feel worse.

Barry sped off to Big Belly Burger only a minute late. Oliver was already waiting for him. He gestured for Barry to sit down.

"Why are you wearing long sleeves? It's like 85 degrees out," Oliver started.

Barry let out a small laugh. "I guess I'm just a little cold today," he replied.

Oliver shrugged. "Felicity said you seemed kind of off at S.T.A.R., and asked me to talk to you, seeing as she felt she couldn't."

Barry shrugged. "Everything's fine, I guess."

Oliver arched an eyebrow. "It's really funny that you think you can lie to me, Barry," he said.

Barry sighed. "It's just... life, I guess."

Oliver didn't say anything, and for a minute, Barry was glad, until Oliver spoke the four words Barry was absolutely dreading.

"Roll down your sleeves."

Barry internally panicked. "Why?"

Oliver got an amused look on his face. "Barry, if you want to hide your bandages, you need to wear something a little thicker than that," he nodded his head towards Barry's sweater.

Barry sighed and, reluctantly, rolled his sleeves down.

"Please don't tell anyone," he pleaded.

"On one condition," Oliver said. "I assume no one knows about this, right?" Barry nodded his head. "Either you tell someone, or you go to a counselor for this."

"Damn, you just cut right to the chase with that, no "Barry, you have to stop," or any of that shit," Barry pointed out.

"Barry, if I told you to stop, would you?" Barry stayed silent. "Exactly. But, if next time I come back, and you haven't done either of those things, I _will_ tell everyone," Oliver threatened.

"Oliver-"

"Barry, this is important. I'm not going to make you tell me why you do this to yourself, but you need help, and I want to help you."

Barry look at Oliver. His face looked stubborn, yet caring at the same time. Barry put on a small smile.

"Now, I have a meeting in 3 hours, so I have to go, but I will be calling you, alright Barr?" Oliver asked. Barry nodded his head as he rolled his sleeves back down. The two men got up.

"Oliver?" Oliver looked back at Barry.

"Thanks."

"Anytime," Oliver said smiling. Barry spread his arms out.

"Barry, no." Barry wrapped his arms around Oliver for their annual forced-hug, which Oliver returned.

"Good luck, Barry" Oliver said to Barry, before he left. Barry stood there and watched him leave, before going to order a burger and leaving himself. Nice to know someone else still cared about him, but now his secret was out, and he wasn't going to a shrink.

He didn't know what to do.


	6. Chapter 6

**TW - Mentions of self harm and suicide**

—

Iris was walking back to the living room when she saw Barry leave. She wondered where he was going, but shrugged it off. It was probably nothing important anyway.

She waited for Wally to finish up in the bathroom before turning the next episode of Supernatural on.

A few minutes later, Wally came down, but at the same time Joe came through the front door.

"Do you guys know where Barry went?" He asked, hiding a worried look on his face.

"He got a text as he came out of the bathroom," Wally said. "But Dad, you need to talk to him about how long he spends in there. I spent 5 minutes just waiting on him before I knocked. Which was about 15 minutes after he went in there."

Joe's face paled. He had a hunch about what Barry was doing, but he didn't want to believe it. But if Wally was right, and he did spend a bit of time in the bathroom, then he'd need to have a talk with Barry, and everyone close to him. He didn't want to jump on it just yet, though. He needed a confirmation.

"Speaking of Barry, have you guys included him in anything you've been doing lately? Especially you, Iris," Joe asked. Barry's words from the previous night rang in his head.

" _I feel like he thinks the family would be better without me, and I'm starting to think that that might not be such a bad idea._ "

"I offered him some Chow Mein, but he said he didn't want any," Iris said.

Joe looked at Wally. "Hey, Wally, can you give Iris and I the room for a minute?"

Wally saw that it was serious and went to the kitchen. Joe sat in the chair across from Iris.

"Dad, what's going on? You're acting like Barry's planning to kill himself or something," Iris half-heartedly joked.

"Iris, that's not funny," Joe aid, sternly. "I... talked to Barry last night. He told me he feels like you've been blowing him off for Wally since Christmas, and it's really hurting him."

"There's more, isn't there," Iris asked.

Joe hesitated. "Yes, but it's something Barry wouldn't want me to share," he said.

" _I'm starting to think that that might not be such a bad idea_ "

Iris raised an eyebrow.

"Look, just be sure to include Barry alright? Make him feel wanted, 'cause I'm not sure he has been lately," Joe finished.

He got up, indicating the conversation was over. Iris, however, did not move.

Was she really making him feel left out? She would never want to hurt his feelings, she was his best friend. But here she was, feeling like the shittiest person in the world.

"You know, it's not your fault," Wally said, breaking Iris out of her thoughts. "You listened to our conversation? What the hell, Wally?" Iris practically screamed.

"There's no door between here and the kitchen. Of course I heard," Wally retorted. Iris rolled her eyes at that.

"Anyway, I think Barry just told Joe a load of crap, just to guilt-trip him," Wally said.

"No, Barry's not like that-"

"But what if he is, Iris? No one can be as perfect as you say he is, he has to have a dark side."

Iris shook her head. "You don't know him like I do. Barry couldn't hurt a fly."

"God, you're so biased for him. What if he does something to end up in prison? Will you still be saying that about him?" Wally demanded.

Iris stood up. "Wally, don't say things like that. We told you about his dad, right?"

Wally realized his mistake. "Shit, yea, sorry."

"Just give him a chance, Wally. You'll see he's not the monster you seem to think he is," Iris finished, before sitting back down and in pausing the TV. Wally sighed before sitting down with her.

Barry came home about an hour later.

"Where were you?" Iris asked, turning around to face him.

"Oliver wanted to meet me at Big Belly Burger. _Not_ in a, sexual way, of course, why would he do that? I mean, he's still hell-bent on Felicity, and I'm not over Patty, and-"

"Barry, I know what you meant," Iris giggled. That's the Barry she knew and loved.

"Anyway, can I talk to you for a minute?" She asked. Wally rolled his eyes, mainly at the rambling, Barry could be so stupid sometimes, but also at Iris wanting to talk to him. She was obviously still feeling guilty over Joe's talk earlier.

Barry nodded his head, and they went upstairs to Barry's room. Barry thanked god that he hid any and all evidence of blood-ridden sweatshirts or pants.

"Dad told me you felt like I was leaving you out? Like I'm spending more time with Wally than you? Is that right?"

" _Damn, what is it with people cutting to the chase today?_ " Barry thought.

"Dammit, Joe wasn't supposed to say anything," he mumbled.

"Barry, you've got to talk to me about this-"

" _About what_? That I feel like Wally's your new best friend? That you'd rather have Wally around than me? That I might as well not even BE in this family anymore? Is that what you want to hear Iris?" He shouted. Iris gasped and took a step back.

"That's not even all of it, but I'm sure you won't care. You'll just go downstairs to Wally, tell him what I'm telling you now, and let him ramble on, and on, about how selfish I am. Is that right?"

Iris was on the verge of tears, as was Barry. Barry's adrenaline was pumping, and he was going to regret this later, but right now he couldn't give a damn.

"Barry, I would never!"

"Right, just how you said you would never leave me," Barry said, his voice cracking again. "Do you know how many family dinners you guys had without me this week? 5. But that doesn't matter, right? As long as Wally's there, all's good! Who needs Barry anyway?" And with that he stormed out, out of the room, out of the house. Iris stood there, stunned at how many feelings Barry was bottling up.

Barry ran to a cliff and screamed until he couldn't scream anymore. He cried til there was no tears left to cry. He was already regretting everything he said, Iris didn't deserve any of that. But, he was sure that if he went back now, he would just yell some more.

He wanted to cut again, but Oliver knew his secret, and he was pretty sure Joe would catch on if he wasn't careful enough.

He looked down the edge of the cliff.

 _One jump, Barr_.

No. he would never.

He looked down again. Maybe one day, he would. _Only_ if things didn't get better. _Only_ after zoom was defeated.

Barry walked away from the cliff, feeling a huge weight lifted from off his chest. Whether from the crying, or yelling, he didn't know. But, it felt good. Relieving, actually. He felt somewhat free after all that venting and crying.

He ended up walking home, scared to face Iris, but ready nonetheless.


	7. Chapter 7

**TW - Self harm (burning), suicidal thoughts (?)**

Barry walked into the West house to find no one was there.

Good.

Barry couldn't feel more guilty than he already was, and he didn't know what he would do if she was there.

He stood at the front door, looking at pure nothingness, as the reality of what he said settled in.

Barry's eyes started to tear up.

He was such an idiot.

He just lost one of his only friends.

He looked at his wrists. Who cared what Oliver said? He wouldn't have to know.

He ran to the kitchen and grabbed a knife. He was running out of room on his arms, and his upper leg was slowly getting covered in scars too. Even his torso had some.

He put the knife down as an idea came to mind. He could easily self harm without blood. No one was home, after all.

Barry went over to the stove and turned it on.

Why didn't he think of this before?

As the stove heated up, Barry pressed his arm to the metal. He let out a whimper of pain, but it slowly became a small giggle. This felt amazing, and it'd be so much easier to cover up.

Barry moved his arm up and down, burning the surface of his forearm. It felt awkward, though. He needed an easier way to do this.

Reluctantly, he turned the stove off. He looked at his arm. It was starting to blister like hell.

Maybe it won't cover up so easily.

He walked to the garage door when he heard the front door open. As quick as he could, he pulled his sleeve down.

"Barry."

"Wally."

Barry turned to face him.

"What are you doing here man? Come to physically hurt Iris this time?" Wally asked harshly.

"Besides the fact that I still live here, I... needed to grab something." Barry said, shutting the garage door. It was pointless now. Wally would catch him, not that he'd care. Honestly, Wally would probably encourage him to continue.

Barry walked past him.

"Barry, go to a hotel or something tonight. Just don't stay here." Wally told him.

"Iris doesn't live here Wally. Hell, _you_ don't live here," Barry said.

"In case you haven't noticed, both of us have been staying here recently."

Barry rolled his eyes. "I'm not gonna fight you Wally. Fine, I won't stay here tonight. But you can't kick me out, even though you see me as that pesky bitch who always hangs around. I'm as much family as you are, Wally, and you need to learn to accept that." With that Barry left. But he didn't go to a hotel, or S.T.A.R. Labs.

He went back to the cliff. This time, he didn't know what would happen, but it'd be better for everyone if he just

 _jumped_

 _off_

 _the_

 _goddamn_

 _cliff._

With that thought, he walked to the edge, and took a deep breath.

 **Question for you angsty people who read my stuff on AO3, if any of you are here. There's this fic I'm working on, I haven't updated it in nearly three months but I'm writing it's ending, it's one where Barry has an eating disorder. Those who've maybe read it, please PM me or something, because I have a question on how I want it to end, but I can't exactly run polls on anything, and I'm also taking a break from updating, so… yea thanks :)**

 **R &R Please :)**


	8. Chapter 8

**TW: Suicide Attempt**

—

Cisco was working on Barry's suit back in S.T.A.R. Labs, when he touched the emblem and got a vibe.

 _Barry's tear streaked face was looking down a cliff. He walked over to the edge and took a deep breath. He got in a jumping position and..._

That was it.

Cisco gasped when he realized what was happening.

Barry was gonna try to kill himself.

Cisco ran down to the garage at full speed, nearly barreling into Iris.

"Cisco!"

"Sorry, now's not a good time Iris!" He shouted behind him, finally getting into the garage.

Cisco got into a van and pulled out. He couldn't concentrate on anything other than the fact that he could be too late right now.

Which cliff was Barry at?

Cisco thought back to the vibe.

 _There were trees in the background, and a fence outlining part of it. A possible place to train._

Cisco remembered his mom taking him and his brother to one of the cliffs on the outskirts of Central, so why not start there?

He pulled up to the cliff that looked most like the one in the vibe, but Barry wasn't there.

Cisco's heart was going as fast as Barry's at this point.

Cisco ran over to the edge and looked down to find his best friend's body laying on the ground.

"BARRY!" He screamed. He ran back to the van and found a rope. Tying it to the fence, he threw the rope over the edge and started climbing down.

Once he made it to the bottom, he ran over to Barry and went to check for a pulse on his wrist.

Holy shit. Were those burn marks?

There was no way Cisco was getting to the pulse on that arm, so he went to his left.

There was an unbelievable amount of scars there. Holy shit, how long has he been doing this?

 _Not important right now, Cisco._

Cisco went to where the heartbeat was supposed to be. It was extremely weak, but it was there.

Cisco called Caitlin and put her on speaker. As the phone was ringing, he noticed Barry wasn't breathing, and started doing CPR on him.

"C'mon, man, don't fail me now," he mumbled as he pushed on Barry's chest.

" _Hello?"_

"Caitlin, it's Barry. I found him unconscious in a cliff, his pulse is barely there, I don't know what to do," Cisco panicked.

 _"Wait, like he jumped?"_

"Yea."

 _"Oh my god. Um.. ok. Cisco, are you doing CPR on him?_ "

"Yea."

 _"Ok, good. Keep doing that, I'll send Joe and Harry to go get you guys."_

"Don't send Joe. It would crush him to find out Barry tried to..."

 _"True... Ok, I'll send Jay then."_

"Ok."

There was silence, but the line wasn't cut.

After a few minutes Cisco panicked.

"Cait, he's still not breathing!"

 _"Just keep breathing for him. Which cliff are you at?"_

"The only one in Central, it's by the edge, close to Keystone. Right where the fence cuts off."

 _"Ok, Jay and Harry are on their way now."_

"Caitlin, I'm scared. What if he doesn't make it?" He leaned down to put another breath in Barry's lungs.

 _"He will. He's strong, Cisco."_

Cisco wanted to scream in frustration. Tears started pooling down his face as he went to go out yet another breath in Barry.

"C'mon Barry, PLEASE? Just one breath. One breath on your own, please. Wake up. Do it for me, man."

Cisco was on the verge of a panic attack. His best friend was dying, and it's all his fault.

"Hello? Cisco?" Jay called above them.

"Down here!" Cisco shouted.

"Cisco, I'm going to send a rope down to you guys. I want you to hold Barry and grab on, alright?"

It was then Cisco noticed how broken Barry's body was.

"That might be a bit of a challenge, Jay. Barry's bones are shattered," He shouted up.

"Try it anyway."

Wow. Ok then.

Cisco put his phone in his pocket, then went to Barry. He wrapped an arm around Barry's legs and torso, flinging one of Barry's limp arms around his own neck.

This would be a challenge.

"Alright, send it down!"

Next thing he knew there was a rope flying at him. Once it was down, Cisco used the hand wrapped around Barry's torso and latched onto the rope. He wrapped his legs around it for extra support.

Once they were up there Jay and Caitlin (what was she doing here?) grabbed Barry and put him on the spare stretcher in the back of the Van.

"Oh my god," Caitlin gasped as she looked at Barry. She put a breathing mask on him and had Jay pump the air into him.

"Cisco, call Joe. He has a right to know," Caitlin demanded.

Cisco reluctantly nodded his head as he went to grab his phone.

He shakily put his phone up to his ear after dialling Joe's number.

" _Hello?"_

"Joe, it's about Barry."

 _"What happened?"_

Cisco took a deep breath.

 _"Cisco, what happened to my son?"_

"I... got a vibe earlier, of him standing on the edge of a cliff. I drove to that cliff to find Barry at the bottom... He tried to kill himself, Joe."

He could hear Joe drop the phone, and muffled sobs on the other end.

About a minute later, Joe picked it up again.

 _"Are you guys at S.T.A.R. Labs?"_ He asked, voice cracking.

"Almost. Just... meet us there."

Joe agreed and hung up. He knew something was up, he just didn't acknowledge it soon enough. He saw the goddamn bandages on Barry's wrists, for Christ's sake. And he didn't say anything cause he wanted to wait.

He wanted to make sure his son was suicidal before confronting him about it.

 _"Goddamnit, you son of a bitch!_ " He screamed at himself.

He pulled into S.T.A.R. Labs to find that the others got there already.

Joe ran inside.

"Where's my son, where is he?" Joe demanded, voice still cracking.

"We're still trying to stabilize him, but we just got him breathing on his own," Caitlin said without looking up from Barry.

Joe gasped at the sight of him. Jay was giving him a sponge bath on the limbs which Caitlin already reset. She was still working on the legs. Not to mention the neck brace they put on him.

He had a nasty burn on his right arm, not to mention the unhealthy amount of scars on both arms, legs, and torso.

Joe didn't even know he COULD scar.

It was about an hour later when they were finished.

Finished with the damage the cliff did, at least.

"I don't know what to do about the burn mark. It looks a lot like Heatwave's arm," Caitlin said.

"And not to mention the scars," Jay cut in.

Joe was looking in the distance.

"It's all my fault," he said suddenly. "I knew something was going on with him, hell, I even saw the bandages on his wrists! But I didn't say anything to him, dammit, I could've done something, but I didn't!" Joe started to break down again.

"Hey, hey, it's not your fault, you were just waiting for the right time, that's all," Caitlin said.

Even though he didn't tell her, she knew.

"So... who's gonna call Iris?" Cisco asked. Everyone looked at him.

"Not me! I had to deal with the pressure of calling Joe!" He quickly said.

Joe let out a wet laugh. "I've got it Cisco, it's something she needs to hear from her dad."

So he made the call, which did not sound like it was going good at all.

"She want's to bring Wally, is that ok?" Joe asked?

"How well do they get along?" Caitlin asked? She's heard Barry complaining about Wally from time to time.

"Fair point," Joe said before returning to the call to explain why she couldn't.

About 10 minutes later, Iris came barging in. She ran right to Barry, not even acknowledging anyone else.

He looked worse than he did in the coma, or after he got his ass kicked by zoom.

Much worse.

Iris started sobbing and ran next to him. She sat down and buried her face in his chest.

Why does the worst happen to the best people?

Why did he do this to himself?

Iris didn't fail to notice the scars and burns. She'd ask about those when he wakes up, because half of those looked recent.

But for now, all that mattered was that Barry was safe.

—

 **Two chapters left guys! I do have an alternate ending to it for after, that I mday end up posting ^.^**


	9. Chapter 9

**TW: Suicide Attempt**

—

 _He_ _took a deep breath._

 _"Do it, Barry. Iris hates you, Joe doesn't care, it won't matter if Oliver tells anyone, and it'd make Wally feel more welcome to the family."_

 _He hesitated. He looked down again._

 _"What are you waiting for, you worthless bitch? Just jump!"_

 _Another deep breath._

 _"Think of the sweet release of pain. You'll finally be free, free from Wally, Team Flash, hell, even Iris if you just do it already."_

 _Barry was starting to have second thoughts. What about his Job?_

 _It wasn't like he was they needed him there much anyway._

 _What about Central City?_

 _They've got Cisco, once he learns to control his powers. Jay, if he gets his speed back._

 _"Looks like you can't think of a reason not to jump. So do it. Don't be a scared little bitch."_

 _What about his father?_

 _His father, who left him the very day he got him back. His father, who tried so hard over the past 15 years to try to get Barry to forget about him. To change his name, his lifestyle._

 _His father, who made sure Joe would not allow Barry under ANY circumstances visit him._

 _"Do it. Do it now, before you back out."_

 _So he did. The last thing he saw was brown, the color of the bottom of the cliff before everything went black._

—

Barry cracked his eyes open, to be greeted by a bright light. He groaned and immediately shut them.

Was he alive?

There was no way in hell he could've survived a 50 feet jump into a shit ton of rocks.

Maybe he was in Heaven, but quickly decided against it for two reasons. One, he didn't believe in that stuff. Two, he was a shitty person.

Purgatory? Maybe.

So why could he hear foot steps and people talking about him waking up?

"Barry? Barry, can you hear me?" A voice said. It didn't sound like the voice you hear after you die.

Barry groaned again. This time, he opened his eyes to have that bright light blocked by a head.

Caitlin's head.

No, no, _no._

He couldn't have survived. He had to have died, he _had to_.

"C'tln?" He tried to ask, immediately regretting that. Damn, his voice hurt like hell.

"Don't try to speak, Barry. It'll just make the pain worse."

Barry ignored her and spoke again anyway. "Wh't h'pp'ned?"

She wasn't lying. He felt a world of pain after asking that.

"After your... attempt, Cisco got a vibe... he saved you, Bar."

Barry started to tear up. This couldn't be happening. They weren't supposed to find him, especially not save him.

"You've been out for nearly a week, so most of your bones have healed at this point. Your back, however, needs a little more time, seeing as it broke. Again," Caitlin told him.

"Your voice is in pain because you serverely sprained your neck, somehow not breaking it, but causing your vocal chords to get serverely damaged. Those should heal soon, too," she followed.

Barry tried to move his arms, and succeeded. Caitlin saw what he was implying with that and grabbed a whiteboard with an EXPO marker.

" **What now?** " He wrote.

Caitlin grabbed the whiteboard, and read it over.

"Well, now that you're awake, we have to keep you here under constant watch, to make sure you don't... try anything. In about 3 days, you can go home, but you will not be allowed to be there alone. You must always have someone with you, understand?" She asked.

"Blink once if you do," she added, remembering that from a book she read.

Barry blinked once, implying that yes, they can't trust him to have a life if his own anymore.

"Also, once you can talk, and walk again, I want to suggest you go see a counselor. Your wrists... Barry, how long have you been hurting yourself?" Caitlin asked, voice full of concern.

She handed Barry the Whiteboard. He erased what he previously wrote, and wrote down " **After Christmas.** "

He handed Caitlin the board, and she read it. Barry knew he shouldn't tell her this, but she already knew he was doing it.

"Oh my god..." she mumbled.

"I assume you won't tell us why yet?" She asked. "Blink once for yes, twice for no." Barry blinked twice.

"That's what I thought..." She said under her breath. "I'm going to call Joe, Ok?" She asked, placing a hand on his arm. Barry blinked once. Blinking was much easier than writing things down, he found.

About ten minutes later, Joe rushed in the room.

"Barry! Oh god, Barry," he said, on the verge of tears.

Joe walked over to his side.

"Bar, why didn't you tell me what was wrong? You could've talked to me, or Iris." Joe told him.

Barry blinked twice.

"That means no," Caitlin informed Joe. Joe looked at Barry. "Why?"

Caitlin handed Barry the Whiteboard. He wrote down, " **Not Iris**."

Joe read what he wrote. "Why not?" He asked, voice full of concern.

" **Wally** "

Oh. That's why. She either ignored what he talked to her about or pushed Barry too far for answers, and Wally found out either way.

"Do you need me to talk to them?" Joe asked, not that it worked too well last time. Barry blinked twice.

Ok then.

—

3 days of "Barry, I'm so glad your ok," "Barry, what were you thinking," and so on later, Barry finally got to go home. He could talk again, thank god, but his back still didn't like his desicion of self-release, so he had to use Well's wheelchair yet again.

"Remember," Caitlin addressed Joe and Iris, once she got Barry and the wheelchair in the car. Or, Barry in the car and the chair in a S.T.A.R. Labs van that Caitlin was going to drive. "Barry can't be in a room, or at the house alone. One of you has _always_ got to be with him, at least for the next week. In a week, tell me how he's acting, and I'll determine it from there. Also, he is not allowed to be in the bathroom for more than 5 minutes."

Joe nodded, and Iris shook her head. "I still feel guilty for all this, like I should've been a better friend," she said.

Joe put his arm around Iris. "It's all in the past now, baby. All that's left to do is include him in the future," he assured her. They both got in the car, Iris in the back so Barry had more room for his legs (they had a small car).

The drive home was awkward, as was getting Barry in house.

Lucky for Barry, though, it was a Wednesday, and Wally had classes, so he wasn't home at the moment.

"Hey Joe, what did you tell the captain?" Barry asked.

Joe hesitated. "I had to tell him the truth, Barr. The other officers don't know, though, so don't worry."

Barry felt a pang of worry And guilt after Joe said that.

"Don't worry, Barry, the worst that's could happen is he'll have you take a temporary leave, but I doubt that'll happen if you don't want to. You'll just have to see the CCPD counsler."

Joe knew Barry hated the idea, seeing as he hated the counselors he was sent to as a kid, but it was that or get fired. Both of them knew what Barry wanted in this scenario.

"Great," Barry mumbled sarcastically.

He wheeled over the living room, and grabbed the remote, turning on the T.V.. Joe and Iris got onto the couch next to him.

"You down for some science documentarys, guys?" Barry asked, in an attempt to get Joe to leave him alone.

Oh, Barry knew about the rules alright. Caitlin wasn't so secretive about them, when telling them to Joe and Iris.

"Believe it or not, we care about your health and well-being more than science," Iris said.

Dammit. That failed.

"Whatever," Barry mumbled.

About halfway through the documentary, Barry wheeled himself into the kitchen, seeing as his stomach wanted him to remember his eating habits.

Iris noticed where he was going and followed him into the kitchen.

"What'd you need, Barr?" She asked, adding a little happiness to her voice to make it seem like she was doing this as a friend, and not because she had to.

"I'm hungry," Barry simply said.

"For what?" Iris asked, moving over to the fridge.

"Can you make-" Barry stopped and shook his head. "No, actually, can you order some pizzas?"

Iris nodded her head and went to the phone.

"You know the toppings," Barry said before wheeling back to the living room.

About three minutes passed before Joe spoke up. "She really is trying, Barr. She feels like it's her fault you did what you did."

Barry shook his head. "It's really not," he said. _It's Wally,_ he thought.

"It's Wally, isn't it," Joe said, as if he read Barry's mind. Barry nodded his head.

He opened his mouth. Joe was gonna find out eventually, why not now. "That night, I went home after a walk, and Wally came soon after. He kicked me out, told me to go stay at a hotel," Barry said. Joe raised his eyebrows in surprise.

"Yes, I was kind of a dick to Iris earlier, but she was trying to get me to spill my feelings and... I had too many to let out, and I kinda lashed out on her without realizing it. I actually came back that night to apologize to her."

Joe looked past Barry to see Iris was listening to him, but staying quiet.

"Damn Barr. I knew you and Wally didn't get along but... wow." Joe shook his head. Between this and the drag racing, Wally was not who he thought he was.

The pizza came 30 minutes later, and Iris pretended the earlier conversation never happened.

Wally tried to kick Barry out? She knew Barry was hurting, Wally didn't need to do that.

Did Wally even know what Barry did after that?

About two pizzas later, there was a knock at the door. Joe looked at the clock.

6:07.

Shit.

Iris went to open the door to reveal whom they were all dreading to come just then.

 _Wally._


	10. Chapter 10

**The ending to this isn't too great, but I didn't feel like rewriting anything. So here we go! The last chapter to this fic!**

—

"Wally, hey," Iris said, dragging out her words a bit, silently letting Barry know Wally was there.

Barry turned his head as fast as he could (normal speed) to the door to find Wally trying to get in.

That's when Wally noticed Barry.

"What are you still doing here? I tell you to leave and no one hears from you for over a week? What the hell man, did you die or something?"

 _Um... yea_

"Wally, enough!" Joe shouted. He was not about to tell his new son everything that happened, but he was not going to tolerate this. "Don't talk to Barry like that, you never know if it could be something serious or not, which it was!" Joe shouted angrily.

"He just goes off the grid without telling us, and all of a sudden he's watching whatever the hell's on the T.V. right now?" Wally demands. He then walked forward and noticed the wheelchair.

"What's with the wheelchair, man?" He asked as if the last few minutes didn't happen.

"Part of that something serious Joe was talking about," Barry said, turning the wheelchair to face him.

But sitting up with a broken back hurt like hell.

"Joe, can you move me to the couch?" Barry asked. Joe hurriedly walked over to him.

"Sure, Barr," he said. He nodded to Iris for help (Barry's a 27 year old man, Joe can't lift him by himself), causing Iris to lose her perch by the door to go help.

Joe grabbed underneath his arms, and Iris grabbed his legs.

"Need any help, guys?" Wally asked, slightly uncomfortable.

"No, we've got it," Joe said. "Alright, lift him on three," Joe told Iris.

"One, two, _three,_ " Joe grunted the last number as the duo lifted Barry from his (or Wells') wheelchair and moved him to the couch.

"You good, Barr?" Joe asked,

"Peachy," Barry said.

For the next few minutes, Joe and Iris were busy making sure Barry was comfortable. When they were done, Wally decided to speak up.

"So, can you guys explain to me what's going on?"

Joe and Iris looked at each other. They were _not_ going to tell Wally what happened, if anything. They'd just have to... modify the truth a bit.

Yea, that'll work.

"Barry got in an accident..." Joe started. "He did serious damage to his back, but it's nothing permanent." That was all Wally was going to get.

Wally nodded his head, not quite believing him.

Iris looked at Barry to notice he rolled his sleeves up.

Nope, can't let him do that now, can she?

Or at least not with long sleeves. He can wear a t-shirt all the same, Caitlin told Iris and Joe he wasn't allowed to roll sleeves up, that's all.

"Barry, are you hot? Do you need me to get a T-Shirt?" She asked, voice full of concern. Barry nodded his head.

Iris went upstairs, thinking about the big scar where the burn was.

She got to Barry that night right before they gave him a skin graft, so she saw the burn all too well.

It looked awful, and recent, too. The scars around it also looked terrible.

There were so many scars, god there was so many. Both arms were covered in the white lines, and, according to Caitlin, his upper legs were too, as well as some of his lower torso.

Iris grabbed a S.T.A.R. Labs T-shirt from Barry's dresser and brought it downstairs, where Wally was making something for himself in the kitchen (Barry ate all the pizza, Iris and Joe didn't even get that much. The amount he was able to grab, seriously, you'd think with a broken back you wouldn't be able to eat that much...) and Joe was sitting in one of the living room chairs, seeing as the couch was no longer an option.

"Barry, would you like help getting the shirt on?" Iris asked.

"No, I can do it," Barry said. And he did. It took about 7 minutes, but he did.

He acted as if the scars weren't even there. The fact that they almost went above the sleeve was a terrifying thought on it's own.

"How long have you been doing this, Barry?" Iris asked, unable to wait any longer. That question got Joe's attention, and made Barry extremely uncomfortable.

"Iris..." Barry groaned. He did not want to talk about it right then, not when Wally could hear. Also, he didn't want Iris feeling worse than she already did.

"No, you're right, I shouldn'tve asked. I'm sorry," She told Barry.

She couldn't stop staring though, even after Barry fell asleep. She knew it was wrong, but she couldn't help it. His arms looked awful.

And all she wanted to know was how long it took for him to get here.

—

Barry's back healed within the next few days. Barry learned to walk (for the third time in his life) a few days after that.

A week after he went home, Caitlin cleared him to be alone, but not for too long at a time. He still had to use the bathroom in under five minutes. He was not to be around anything sharp that he could use to cut.

So many rules.

Iris did some research on different ways to substitute cutting or burning.

A rubber band.

"Whenever you feel the need to cut yourself, snap this against your wrist, alright?" She told Barry, handing him the rubber band.

"Um... thanks Iris," Barry said. Usually when he feels the need to cut, he scratches that area. It only bled once from the scratching, and no one needed to know about that.

And he sure as hell didn't want to use a rubber band to "help him".

Barry was clear to go back to work about a week after Iris gave him the rubber band, which he kept on his wrist full-time now, since discovering it actually helped.

Singh had made clear on his promise that no one would find out. He just told everyone that he sent Barry to Coast City on another case, like the one three years ago about the man who could talk to sea life or something. He couldn't remember, all he knew is he was this close to firing Barry when he got back.

It was a dead end, anyway.

Barry did have to see a counselor three times a week for two months. Barry hated it more and more as the weeks dragged on.

Those were the worst two months of his life.

Barry swore he would never try to kill himself again (or fail doing so, at least) so he'd never have to see that counselor again.

God, he hated her.

Wally did find out about the self-harm, Barry felt the need to tell him that, but the suicide? Hell no. No way.

Wally did treat Barry somewhat better after that.

For a few months, that is.

Iris also got her answer on how long Barry self-harmed. Barry was finally getting comfortable around them, again, so she figured it wouldn't hurt to ask.

And that was that. The only relapse he (almost) had was finding out Harry was stealing his speed.

He did try jumping again, though. After finding out Jay was Zoom.

They were training, and he had to jump across the very cliff he jumped off of before. He almost face planted into the side, but Cisco just _had_ to bring those drones.

Barry did feel incredibly guilty, about that, though. That's why he told everyone that he just couldn't do the jump.

And no one questioned him.

Since then, all was well. No relapse, he ditched the rubber band, people acknolaged his exsistence again, and Barry felt great.

Until his dad died. But we all know what he did with that.

—

 **Theres an alternate ending to this where Barry died when he jumped, if you guys would like me to post it. And thanks for sticking with me through this!**


End file.
